Deeper than the surface-an Angielala production!

formspring.me

2012-01-26T18:24:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything! http://www.formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-09-20T20:53:00.003-07:00

back on this...ask me (almost) anything! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-09-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

back on this...ask me (almost) anything! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-08T16:41:00.001-07:00

using formspring again so people can ask/comment anonymously! ask away!http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-08T16:06:00.005-07:00

Ask me anything! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-08T16:06:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-08T16:06:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-03T16:02:00.001-07:00

And im reading anonymous confessions for next week's ustream so hit me up! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-03T16:01:00.001-07:00

Bringing formspring back! ask me anything:) http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-02T17:23:00.001-07:00

Taking confessions for next week's ustream! hit me up! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

formspring.me

2011-08-02T17:06:00.001-07:00

figured I'd get back on formspring so folks could ask me questions or vent anonymously! http://formspring.me/angielala1986

In Too Deep!!!!

2010-08-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

This started off as a poem but it became a story of sorts told from a man's point of view. I wanted to write this as a dude who is a player that has met his match...I've seen/heard/read different things from guys so I can honestly say that some dudes are really like this...but there is always hope as seen in this story...enjoy!

She was the girl that I wasn't supposed to have
the "Goody two shoes" who only had sex when she was in a "commited relationship"
she could spot game from a mile away and shut me down in a second
She's got walls put up..might as well give up...her girls would laugh and repeatedly tell me

Truth be told her friends wanted me to penetrate their walls
they had heard about "The Legend" concealed inside my calvin klein boxer briefs
they wanted to be the one that would put it on me in such a way
that I'd forget all about talking to her and fall in love with her best friend...well friends!

Women play the game better than we do and most would have fallen in the trap
I have seen it done before so I make sure that I don't step in
before I fuck and leave them they know that this is a momentary pleasure
and no matter how good I made them feel they could not come back for seconds

Don't get me wrong all of them were sexy as fuck I only mess with dimes
They all had full lips and fat asses and knew how to work both so well
I always made sure they left satisfied and beat my name on their walls
so whoever decided to hit after me could not fill the space I left in their hole I mean soul hahahaha

So getting at goody two shoes chick wasn't gonna be much of a problem
I would just have to try a little harder this time around
I love challenges haven't had one since I was a freshman in high school
and started sucking up and then fucking my Spanish teacher so I could change my D to an A

I would approach her and tell her I wanted to be her friend
cause I know many dudes try to get at her on a daily basis
I'd get her number and talk to her for an hour or so
and tell her that she could be the one that could change my life around

How her friends (yup the same best friends that tried to smash) told me she was a good girl
and how that's rare in a world full of jump offs and tricks
When I am ready to settle down she would be the one I would wanna commit to
fall in love with get married and have like 5 kids and live the "American Dream"

Speaking of dreams I'd tell her how I dreamed of waking up next to her every morning
and how I wanted to fall asleep next to her holding her close to my chest
I'd make love to her like those men in erotic novels do
and have her sweating shaking and screaming til she finally succumbed to the pleasure

Gotta sweet talk the ladies before you experience their sweetness
only a whore would let a dude hit it the first night
That's way too easy its like sleeping with a hooker for free
Who knows how many dudes she let fuck her effortlessly!

After having sex with her if it was good I'd stay around for a month or so
however long it takes me to move on to my next challenge
If it was wack I'd stop all contact with her
and if she doesn't get the point I'd change my number

Yeah I know I sound grimy as hell
but I'm keeping it real with yall so you can see how fucked up I was
goody two shoes switched it up on me
now I'm half crazy trying to figure out where I went wrong!

I called her and I was surprised by her intelligence and wit
and ended up talking on the phone for hours
She laughed at my fool proof lines
and came back with a few of her own

She said "Awww sweetie u are too much...I know Angel and Tamara all wanna fuck you
I think Angel already has even though she hasn't told me
I see the way she looks at you
and the way you dismiss her like she's discarded trash"

I know you are used to getting your way and the fact that I didn't fall at your feet surprised the hell outta you
Last time I checked there hasn't been a perfect man that walked this earth since Jesus
and he didn't rock gucci cologne and true religion jeans

What I'm tryna say is that you can't play me sweetie
I don't want a man like you in my life
Getting what you want based off your appearance can only work for so long
but when you're old,gray and alone 40 years from now then what are you gonna do?

You can wrap shit up in the most expensive box
and put your gucci cologne inside to disguise the scent
when all of the wrapping is peeled off and the box is open there is still shit inside
and it will be put in its proper place..the porcelain toilet bowl!

You are not a good person on the inside
you need to meditate and reevaluate your life decisions
maybe your mom was a woman who was easily manipulated
and you treated future women the same way

Maybe some girl broke your heart and you blocked your heart from love
and picked up and discarded women just as she did to you
You need to pray because you are in a sad place right now
and only the Lord can help you through this

By the end of the convo I was shellshocked
even after she hung up I held my blackberry to my ear and just sat there
I knew right then that I had met my match
and for the first time I gave up and lost the game

I tried calling/texting/emailing/facebooking/tweeting her
but she igged me every chance she got
I found out from Tamara(Angel wasn't talking to me) that she liked pink roses
so I had them sent to her class, job and house

3 months went by and still no response
and each day I found myself going crazy
Her face is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night
and the first thing I wake up to every morning

It's crazy because I feel like a changed man now
started praying and staying away from temptation
I still bought gucci cologne and true religion jeans
but they were for the teenage boy I started mentoring

One day I came home and I found a note attached to the door
when I saw it was from HER I almost broke my phone
I sat down not knowing what she had to say to me
just hoped it wasn't any kind of restraining order!

The note said "Hey there thanks for all of the messages flowers and cards you have sent
they meant a lot to me and made me smile
i've heard that you changed for the better and im glad
couldn't be a player forever right?

If this had been a few months before we met maybe things would be different
But I am engaged and plan on marrying the love of my life next year
I know this may hurt but don't remain bitter but better
and know that you have truly touched my heart"

A tear escaped my eye but I brushed it away
I wasted so much time playing a game that had no valuable prize
the women who were consolation gifts weren't worth my time
and the grand prize has been taken by someone else

I know now that if I ever meet a Ms Right ever again
I won't block my heart trying to be Mr Cool
Otherwise I'll end up in the same exact situation
I waited too late to change and now I'm in too deep

Reasons, seasons and puzzle pieces

2010-07-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since I've written on here but I feel like I have wasted so much time worrying about unimportant things such as the subject in my last blog. I cut things off with him but its so hard to not be mad at myself. I am a smart woman I know when I am not getting what I deserve but I still wasted my time hoping that things would change but knowing deep inside that they wouldn't. I just wanted some attention. I wanted the comfort of another person to reassure me that I was as beautiful and special that I'm told I should feel everyday just because there is no one else like me in this world. I know that all of this has to come from within but its hard when I have never been a person that's always believed in myself and what I am capable of doing. It's taken much effort to get to this point in my life where I'm taking chances as far as following my dreams and not caring what other people think of me when I do. So for me to not care what another guy thinks especially one that I have been involved with and have to see everyday b/c he's my neighbor is damn near impossible. I know it can be done and time heals all wounds and even though this wound isn't deep it still hurts....It's more like a papercut that's annoying the hell outta me. I wish I could think and feel the way a man does. Instead of analyzing my emotions just let them be and moving on if things don't work my way. People prey on weakness and I know that if I want to be successful in life, I can't let every little thing affect the way I think, feel and act. Especially not a person who was never meant to stay in my life forever. If something doesn't feel right then it usually isn't and instead of trying to fight that feeling in order to have momentary comfort I need to embrace it and get myself out of that situation. For now I am going to focus on me and what makes me happy. Instread of chasing love I will be chasing success and following my dreams. If someone comes along that works within those plans that's great. I refuse to take steps backward in order to accomodate someone else. It's like trying to put a puzzle piece in that doesn't fit...the picture is not complete and you have just wasted your time and energy trying to make it work. I am finally going to live for me and whether I fail or succeed I know that for once my heart will be in the right place giving my all to the right person...me!

Heart vs Mind

2010-05-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

For so long I have been trying to work on myself. I was always over critical of myself and tried to change everything from my look to my outlook on life. I have realized though that I am not always the problem. The problem is staring at me right in front of my face and instead of dealing with it and getting it out of my life I try to make excuses and figure out if I am the one that is the cause of the issue. I have been talking to this guy since December. Nothing has changed since the beginning of whatever you wanna call this situation. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because we are not committed to each other. He is content with the way things are and feels that I overreact about everything. There's no sign that things will change or improve and I don't even feel like we're friends because he isn't open with me like I have been with him. The sex is horrible on my end because he isn't willing to do certain things to make it more pleasurable and exciting for me and I'm wondering why am I even putting up with this mess? I have been trying to fix something that I haven't broken. He is the problem so why am I suffering because of it? I let my heart make decisions instead of my mind. The heart doesn't think logically. The heart wants so much to be in love and have companionship that it ignores the common sense the mind tells it and tries to make everything better. The heart gives hope that does not exist and I need to stop letting my heart and want for companionship control my mind and distract me from all that I want to do. One of my closest male friends told me that women are the ones in control. We control if we want to deal with another man. We control how fast the relationship goes and if we want to have sex. My heart gave this guy the control and my mind has been suffering because of it. I refuse to let another day go by complaining about him and what he doesn't do for me. No ring or real commitment exists in this situation so I am free to do what I please. My mind has bigger and better things in store and I refuse to let my heart come in the way of that. One day when I meet a man that stimulates my mind and body equally then and only then will I let my heart back in the picture. Until that time comes I am going to focus on me and all of my dreams and aspirations. Life is full of twists and turns but as long as I know that I am great the way I am and that every problem that I encounter is not for me to solve I will be a stronger, more independent person. Graduating college, The Angielala Experience and getting my license (I know I should have gotten it already but nerves have gotten in the way!) are my 3 immediate goals and I won't stop even after I accomplish those goals because I have so much I want to do! I refuse to let another person distract me and make me lose my focus. I am ready for all the good and the bad that will come my way while I rise to the top. My mind will lead the way and maybe one day my heart will be ready for another journey of its own!

Try again

2010-04-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

I had a convo with my ex who is finally ready to settle down and be in a relationship(or so he says) I don't know whether to believe him b/c it just may be a way to reel me back in...I figured time will tell if he's sincere but I also had to reflect on our past b4 I even consider going there with him again...and this is what inspired my poem called "Try Again"

We both cried when I had to end whatever it was we had
You cried b/c you didn't want me to leave I cried b/c I knew I had to
I had to leave you in order to grow and become stronger mentally
Your love had me hypnotized and bound to the point where my soul was suffocating

You never hit me but every time we got into it I felt like I had been sucker punched
You always told me you loved me but your actions never showed it
I never asked you for anything but you wanted me to give you the world
No matter how hard I tried I came up short of your expectations

I was too dependent on others but yet I let you roam free
I was too weak but for a long time I had the strength to put up with your infidelities
I was too insecure about the way I looked but I made you feel like a superstar
What I was I have never been ever since I lost you and found myself

I let Keyshia and Brandy express my misery until I cried myself to sleep
I wanted to write love songs but at times the pain was too much to bear
I would start but could not finish when the tears would blur my vision
the ink would run off the paper and destroy everything that came from deep inside

Finally I reached my breaking point and decided that I was done
I could no longer be a mental punching bag that you take your daily frustrations out on
You took me for granted but I know that karma is a bitch
And she came back around and hurt you more than I ever could

You've reached a point in your life where you are finally able to handle all I have to offer
but unlike before I refuse to give my heart away so easily
The tables have turned and now I run the show
You can try again but know that with or without you I will be alright

Love Songs

2010-04-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

I was listening to my itouch and I'm hearing men like Brian McKnight and Usher sing love songs and I'm thinking to myself why is it that the only men that are in touch with their emotional side are R&B singers and they are mainly singing love songs for profit esp since they can be the biggest whores out there but we still fall in love with the mushy stuff they sing about! That's what inspired this poem called Love Songs lemme know what u think!

Dreamlover why can't you sing me to sleep at night?
Hold me tight and call me your baby?
Even if I was taken you wouldn't give up
Tyrese didn't for his "Sweet Lady"

Tell me that I'm your cherie amor your one and only
Even Stevie saw true love when it was laid before his eyes
I am tired of the heartbreak and betrayal
I am sick of the deception and lies

Trey Songz didn't wanna leave his girl
but the time came that he had to go
At least he told her he would be back
When you leave dreamlover I never know

You disappeared and left me wondering
Now our love is hanging on a ledge
What happened to the promise you made you didn't say goodbye
The pain in my heart hurts more than a knife with a Jagged Edge

This is time for my last cry I wanna leave it all behind me
I wonder if Brian McKnight ever felt pain like this
Usher talked about letting it Burn even if its bruises
but in your absence all I can do is reminisce

Everyone tells me that my soulmate is out there somewhere
but I think that they have it all wrong
My dreamlover is out there but sadly
he only exists in love songs

Secrets

2010-03-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

This poem was inspired by someone that I really like but I feel that there is so much more about him that I don't know and it drives me crazy...I call this one Secrets

The mystery that surrounds him keeps me intrigued

His secrets are locked away deep inside

I know there is so much that he wants to say

but he'd rather keep it to himself than tell lies

I want to find out more about this man

what his passions are and what makes him come to life

His pain is etched into his eyes when he finally speaks

I wish he would talk about the struggles and the strife

I would like for him to tell me his dreams and aspirations

and know that anything shared between us is confidential

For us to grow together and become closer

these things are not just wanted they are essential

Patience is a virtue that I wish I possess

but I will have to find some type of endurance when dealing with this situation

I feel comfortable enough around him to tell him my soul

but when its his turn to talk he remains in deep contemplation

I am not sure where this relationship will lead

but I know he will have to be ready to unlock his heart and throw away the key

Someone has to find it sooner or later

and I hope that person is me

Awake and aware!

2010-03-03T04:02:00.000-08:00

It's 6:40am and I am wide awake! Anyone that knows me knows that I am definitely not a morning person but for some reason I am up and in a good mood! I went to sleep early yesterday because I was in a bad mood. Things weren't going my way and it seemed like I was on the defensive all day and I hate feeling that I have to explain myself and my actions. I was irritated and moody so I decided to go to bed early and I woke up an hour ago feeling great!!! I have had time to think about things and I've realized that all of my life I have been a people pleaser. I was never the person that had beef with others b/c I was seen as a sweetheart. I accepted that but when people, men in particular, felt that they could say or do anything and get away with it I decided that I needed to change. First it started with me being honest with myself and others. Then it escalated into doing what I wanted to do instead of worrying about what others think now its to the point where I can't doubt myself or my actions after all is said and done. Not everyone will agree with you and your decisions but as long as you follow your heart then there is no point in having any regrets. Everything happens for a reason and all of the choices I've made have brought me this far and I refuse to turn back...I guess a good night's sleep does a body(and mind)right!

Advice hour!

2010-03-03T03:38:00.001-08:00

If ya missed it here ya go! Tune in tonight at 9pm for this week's show "Tips and Techniques for great sex!"

ustream show #6: "Let's talk about sex!!!

2010-01-29T23:12:00.001-08:00

We had a great time talking about all things sex! Tune in next week topic TBA!

follow me on twitter!

2010-01-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

If you're not following me on twitter u need to!

www.twitter.com/angielala

This week's blog: Craziest confessions

2010-01-15T08:12:00.000-08:00

I had hella fun even though my cam kept freezing smh!

2010=being honest with myself and others

2010-01-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I am always worried about others feelings. I am very nice too nice at times and for a long time I felt that was the way to face people and make friends in this world. I have finally realized that no matter how nice you can come across not everyone will like you. People will always find something negative to say about/to you especially if they see that you are in a good space in your life. Lying to spare others feelings only hurts them in the end so my new year's resolution for 2010 is to be honest...I never considered myself a liar and honesty is up there on my list of qualities I look for in the opposite sex but I am not always truthful when it comes to what I really want out of life. I worried about others opinions and feelings so much that in turn it was my life that I wasn't happy with. All of the important people in my life always kept it real with me no matter how much it hurt so why can't I do the same? I have never been a blunt person but there are times when bluntness is necessary. At the same time when dealing with certain people you have to have different approaches but as long as the truth is out there then I will be satisfied. I have heard the saying "The truth shall set you free." time and time again but never pondered the real meaning behind its words until now. Being truthful to others in turn helps me to be true to myself and get to where I want to be in life. No regrets just happiness and ultimately free from many of life's burdens. This is going to be a challenge but nothing worth having comes easy! So tell me what you think about this post and I will be as honest as I hope you are in my reply!!!

formspring.me

2009-12-22T18:24:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/angielala1986

My 1st video blog

2009-12-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

lemme know what you think!

One night

2009-12-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

A conversation with my friend inspired me to write this poem...I was really disappointed when she told me about this guy b/c he seemed different from the rest but I was proven wrong! Hopefully I will find that diamond in the rough cause all I see now is a bunch of coal lmao

From the beginning I made no promises
This situation had no strings attached
I know you want to be my girl
but I'm not ready for all of that
Can we just live in the moment
Instead of worrying about what tomorrow may bring
I can just up and leave right now
and not feel a thing
Not worried about what you may think
because there is no us
I don't care about what you do after this
because there is no trust
Our time is right here right now
You are my temporary reliever of stress
That was the deal from the beginning
Never asking for no more or no less
I am about to leave before it gets tense
You are not important enough for us to continue to fight
Just know that the next time I come around
The only thing I owe you is one night

Every other girl

2009-11-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

This is dedicated to all of the "players" of the world...you have met your match with me!

You thought that I was a hit it and quit it type chick
Someone you could bag and run through right quick
Cause you are used to smashing every cute thing that walks by
Believe me when I tell you there is more to me than meets the eye

Since I resisted your advances you think I'm playing a game
To you women are like pawns on a chess board we're all one in the same
I am one in a million the type of person that comes along once in a blue moon
And its your fault that you thought you could have me so soon

Trust me when I say that I'm a different kind of breed
Sex is something to be cherished for you its something you need
You need it to feel better about the man you think you are
In reality you have a boy's mentality and that won't get you far

Days turn into weeks and you still haven't gotten your "prize"
I turn you down and keep it real with you, you respond by telling me lies
"You know that you are special to me. I'm just not ready to settle down."
"I have to get this out of my system but one day soon I will come around."

I can only look forward not back and I certainly don't have time to wait
Building a life on broken promises will only end in a disappointing fate
I see right through the bullshit and I can't deal with a man like you
Someone who is vain and shallow and who's heart remains untrue

You are upset that you failed at your own game
Many men have tried to play me but the end results were always the same
I told you from the beginning that I am not like the rest
Before I give my heart to any man I put him to the test

It hurts to find so many failures but at least my pride remains intact
There was a time in my life where I let a man throw me off track
I am wiser and stronger now and know that I deserve the world
And to think you thought that I was just like every other girl!

No matter what

2009-11-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

This is a freestyle poem meaning I just wrote it down based on what I was feeling at the time...it isn't my best work but its good lol....its called no matter what and for those who are wondering this situation described in the poem never happened to me so don't think I'm going through it right now lmao! here goes!

Woke up feeling woozy but I don't remember taking any medication
All I can focus on was our last conversation
You said that you loved me but that just wasn't enough anymore
and that you would never forget what we had then you walked out the door

I get up out the room and see remnants of broken glass
Did I black out or did everything just happen too fast?
I start sweeping but when I saw the picture I dropped the broom
I snapped once again and threw it halfway across the room

The frame hit the mirror and the vase sitting on the vanity table
At one point in time I could push past this but now I'm no longer able
I go to pick up the pieces and didn't stop until I noticed I was bleeding
Don't care about the bruises my heart hurts far more cause you're the one I'm needing

How do I just forget about us and pretend that everything is alright?
You live inside of my soul even though you are out of my sight
All these years thrown out the window all because you gave up on me
You gave up on what we had and where we wanted to be

When things became too tough you took the easy way out
You let other people cloud your head with insecurities and doubt
When you are in love nothing or no one could step in our way
You used to say our love would last forever and a day

Forever is a long time too long for you to push past the pain
Too long for you to wait for the sunshine that comes after the rain
If I could do it all again the 2nd time I wouldn't make the same mistakes
He would give 100% and make it work no matter what it takes!

The Ride

2009-10-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Beanie Siegel's record towards Jay-Z when I heard him say something that hit me hard he said "I understand, everybody can’t go and you already on…" I have been trying so hard to keep the same group of friends that I grew up with but I am starting to understand that not everyone can go with you when you are trying to go places in your life. Those same friends that were the ones that kept me going have become the ones that are holding me back. Whether it be their negative attitudes towards my hopes and dreams or just drama in their own lives they have become extra baggage instead of helping me carry the burdens on my shoulders. That one line inspired me to create this poem titled "The Ride"

I was told not to follow my dreams but to chase them
so I am running until I lose all of my breath
Nothing or no one can stop me
I was born to do this so I will continue until death

The same ones that were there since the beginning are still hanging on
but we no longer travel at the same speed
They have become a heavy weight that I drag along with me on this journey
and have set me back which is something that I don't need

I love them so much that I tried to make them understand my passion
and why I choose to deal with some of life's pain
they look at me confused because they think I should take the easy way out
and deep down inside they think I'm insane

They tell me that I could have had the easy life
instead of taking risks and chances that are not seen as wise
if I would just think logically and played it safe
I would have already earned the ultimate prize

I have always thought outside of the box
never lived my life based on other's expectations
So if I have to fail before I succeed
I will gladly go through all of the trials and tribulations

So many feel that I have made the wrong choices
and as much as this is going to hurt inside
I have to let you and all of your negativity go
Not everyone can come along for the ride

To forgive and forget...easier said than done!

2009-10-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am a very forgiving person....too forgiving at times but I feel that you can't be mad at someone forever especially if its over something so petty so if I am angry at someone for a long period of time and I won't let the shit go then its serious. This guy I used to be real cool with when I was younger played me and disrespected me and when I confronted him about it he had no remorse. He looked down upon me and what hurt the most is that he knew me when I was at a low point in my life and was someone who would always be so encouraging and positive. When his attitude towards me did a complete 180 it surprised me at first then angered me. Then I realized why I was so mad. He had changed but for the most part I didn't.I still fed into the insecurities that haunted me when we were younger and I let his opinion about me and my life influence my feelings and behavior towards different situations. It made me so mad because I was always so supportive of him and proud of his accomplishments but when I found out how he flipped on me I wanted him to fail more than anything. His failure wouldn't help me succeed but I wanted him to feel the way I felt. I let him get under my skin and make me bitter and that was the worst thing I could have done. I often wondered about running into him at different places and how I would react towards him.I saw him from a distance recently and tried to avoid confrontation b/c I knew if we spoke I would be mad at myself afterwards for pretending to be nice when in reality I wanted to wring his neck lmao. This situation has been weighing heavily on my mind and I realized that being mad at him is not hurting him especially since he's living life(living it up real nice I might add) and I am still in the same place mentally and physically that I was in b4 any of this drama happened. I need to live my life and be successful in my own right. I feel that you have to have send out positive vibes in the atmosphere for positive things to happen in return. Being mad at him makes me mad at myself and I can't live my life being a bitter person. I forgive him and wish him the best. God has a plan for me that no one can destroy and I know that my success will come in due time. Until then I'm gonna keep pushing...pushing all of the obstacles and negativity out of my way so my vision becomes clearer and within my reach!!!! Much love!

Relationships 101...let class begin!!!

2009-10-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

Most of my friends are single ladies like myself...some of them have children some don't but no matter what the situation is we are all looking for the same thing. A giving, loving, honest and most importantly straight(lol) man that will not complete us because we are strong self sufficient women without them but be the extra cherry on top of our lives. We tend to stress in relationships and doubt our choices so much that men like Steve Harvey come out with books in order to help us figure out the male species(his book was amazing by the way a definite must read) As much as I loved "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" his book was just common sense wrapped up in 300+ pages....Most women know what they want and what they deserve but we settle because we don't want to be alone, we feel that this is as good as its going to get or we ignore warning signs b/c we are so into the idea of being in love that we try to not sweat what seems like small stuff only to find it blow up in our faces later on in the relationship. Most of us have had our hearts broken and been through it mentally (and some of us physically) but still haven't given up on the love of our lives...I know he's out there! I am all for not giving up and trying to make things work but I wish some of us knew just when to throw in the towel. 3 situations come to my mind that made me question these ladies behavior and made me realize just how much love you have to have for yourself before you can share love with anyone else.

This first girl I will call her "Denial"...She met this guy and at first she thought he was prince charming everything she asked for..as the relationship progressed the fairy tale ending that she dreamed up seemed so far away. He was acting shady but she kept on giving chances ignoring the warning signs flashing right in front of her face. She told herself that she was being insecure and that since she was so honest and forthcoming with him that he would be the same with her...dead wrong! She learned that honesty is not always reciprocated and to ignore what's staring at you right in your face is the ultimate deception...lying to yourself also known as being in denial!

This second girl I will call her "Fighter"....she fell in love with someone who is considered a ladies man. He gave her the world and then some but as much as he loved her he couldn't be faithful. She knew his love for her ran deep and she loved him more than anything. She was there when he had nothing and would continue to be there no matter what. I believe she felt that this was enough to make the relationship work. She told herself this but doubts still ran in her mind so she did the snooping, questioning etc only to find answers she knew all along. She knew that she should end it but this man was the love of her life no one ever made her feel this way. Eventually he broke up with her and she was miserable for a long time. I would think to myself why did she put up with that shit for so long!!! I don't care how amazing a guy seems if he's cheating over and over on me he doesn't really love me... not true you can love someone with all of your heart and know that they are the one but if both people not 100% committed in a relationship mind, body, and soul then its doomed for failure... she was definitely a fighter but I believe she was in the fight alone.

I will call this last girl "Settling". She has always been into the rough and rugged type because that was the only type of man that could keep her interest. Whether he be a drug dealer or regular hustler she was captivated and intrigued because money and attention were never absent from the relationship. She needed someone who seemed as strong as she was especially since she had to fend for her and her child. She met a guy who fit these qualities but he also had a temper and was abusive. She never compared her life to the tragic lifetime stories but her life was taking a turn for the worse. She stayed with him because he was what she was used to and never thought she could do any better....she's coming around slowly but surely and I don't think she's content with settling anymore!

These 3 women situations always stick in my mind b/c all three of them are beautiful, hard working and intelligent. Why did they have to lose themselves in fear of being alone? They thought this would bring them happiness but in turn it just brought more pain and frustration. I learned so much from them and I thank them for sharing their stories with me. They taught me so much about myself and inspired me to write this. Ladies(and gentlemen!!!) I would love for you to share your relationship stories with me so email me at angelicmelody86@gmail.com and I may choose to write about it in a future blog....love ya'll muah!

Reality...Really???

2009-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a different approach to this post and ask my twitter followers what they wanted me to blog about...most of them said relationship issues which I will talk about in the next blog but my girl @DivaTN said I should talk about reality tv and how its really not anybody's reality. I agree and in fact I feel that a lot of shows on tv today especially shows on BET and VH1 are degrading to black women. I see all of these women whoring themselves for 15 mins of fame. If you wanted to be take seriously as an actress or model reality tv shouldn't be the go to place to get your start. Before these shows people did things the old fashioned way. They went to casting calls and sent their pictures out to different agencies. Even auditioning for music videos is more respectable than going on shows like For the love of Ray J, Real Chance of Love and the worst of them all Flavor of love(unless you are the Superhead type) The thing that makes me really mad is that all these shows have the word love in them like love is some type of game where if you go through enough women kissing and having "intimate" relationships with them you will find someone that can be your soulmate. These shows are shot in a matter of 6-8 weeks and a camera is around at least 12-16 hours a day so how can anyone really find love without the time and privacy it takes for real relationships to develop and grow. I feel that the ladies in the show that feed into the madness(fights, competitions,snitching on others) for publicity or get so caught up in what they are told by different people on what love is that when REALITY hits them it hits hard and hurts. Not everyone can turn their turmoil into fame like New York has so where does this leave these ladies???They are alone and many times have to hustle to keep the little amount of fame that they have. It's a sad and vicious cycle that only continues b/c people like you and I tune in every week to watch the train wreck unfold....if anyone believes for a second that this is real then he/she needs a reality check and they can start by turning off the tv!

falling in love....with myself!

2009-10-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

I decided to write about this topic because its something I've had to fight with my whole life. It took me a while to get to where I am today and to feel the way I do about myself but it was and still is a process believe me! To understand why I am the way I am today you have to know the history of my love/hate relationship...with myself lol! Here goes!

When I was really young like from 3-6 years old I was the cute, shy little girl with the long hair and big eyes. Didn't care about my looks back then just knew that I liked to wear the same skirt all the time no matter how much my mom tried to take it away from me and I liked to watch cartoons and saved by the bell!When I went to 2nd grade however everything changed....out of nowhere my cute little teeth fell out and 2 HUGE teeth came in their place. They stuck out and made a gap and I hated them so I would never smile with my mouth open. 3rd grade didn't help b/c it was then that I found out that I was nearsighted and needed glasses....I finally got braces in 6th grade but by then I already despised what I saw in the mirror. My mom and dad would always tell me how beautiful I was but they are my parents they are supposed to say that! That's what I always told myself! By the time I was in high school my self esteem was fucked up...I had friends but never felt like I fit in...my only escape from everything was music. I loved 90's rnb music especially Brandy, Monica, Aaliyah and Mya! They were so pretty and flawless and I wanted to be Moesha so badly especially when she had Usher as her bf on the show! If you knew me back then you knew me as the "Usher Lover" lol he was my dream guy...All of the dudes I had crushes on were disappointments. I never had a boyfriend or went out on any dates with any guys b/c I never put myself out there like that. I was still shy and quiet and was seen as a bookworm type. They either made me feel like shit or didn't even notice me so Usher was the one guy that seemed so perfect! Even him cheating on Chilli couldn't make me change my mind about him he was just that great lol...that was my "title" in school and although I don't regret it I wish people knew that there was more to me than just him outside of my close friends. After I graduated high school I wanted to get away from the small town I grew up in and move to a totally different place. I fell in love with Atlanta and at that time (2004) Atl seemed like the place to be! Clark Atlanta University was gonna be the school that would finally grant me my new beginning and I would find love and happiness once I arrived but things didn't go quite as planned! I went for a semester came back home and went back a year later. It was then in September 2005 that I met my ex (not on campus but at a walmart outside of atl lol) and he changed the way I looked at dudes and relationships forever. He was my first everything: the first guy I fell in love with the first guy to break my heart and at 19 my big "first" because I lost my virginity to him. He was everything that I always asked God for. Good looking, single no kids and had a good job(he was 23 when we met and had graduated college already) and I thought to myself this can't be. Why would he be attracted to a girl like me?(I still had the braces but exchanged the glasses for contacts) even though I was in a different space physically, I still carried all of the insecurities and doubts about myself that plagued me all throughout middle school and high school. I felt lucky to be with him so I put up with his temper and verbal abuse. I had a feeling he was cheating but couldn't prove it and didn't want to lose him so I pushed it to the back of my mind. He ended up breaking up with me on Christmas night at that and I learned the true meaning of "lovesick". I felt like I was gonna die b/c I was so depressed and lonely. We ended up getting back together but things only got worse. I wouldn't see him for days or weeks at a time and he would come and show up out the blue like everything was okay. I put up with so much but when something tragic happened to me the day b4 my 20th birthday and he wasn't there for me I knew then that I had to leave...I left him and Atlanta in June of 2006 and headed back home....I felt like a different person more open and confident but I still had my doubts. 2007 rolls around and I finally get rid of the braces...I still have a slight overbite but no gap and my teeth are straight:D Ill get invisalign in the future but for now im good lol....I started making new friends and going out to clubs and parties more especially to see Trey Songz lmao....having fun living it up but nothing is ever what it seems. I would see Trey living out his dream showing love to his fans and doing what he was born to do and it made me say to myself "Why am I not doing what I love?" I love entertainment! Gossip music movies all of that and I am always up to date with what's going on! I went from reading Us Weekly and Star magazine every week to reading concreteloop,ybf and necole bitchie everyday! I have great ideas hell Trey even liked my video concept and used it for the video to his single "Last Time"All my friends have said that I need to get back in school so I can look into some internships for different record labels and tv production companies. All of these people have seen my talent so what's stopping me? That's easy I am the one that's standing in my own way. All of those doubts and insecurities came back. Maybe if I change my look up that will make me feel better...different hair style different clothes??? Then I realized that its the man(or in my case the woman) that makes the clothes not vice versa....I am finding physical flaws when in reality I have to work on the inside before I love whats on the outside...I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I am my own worst critic but everyday I'm getting better. As I stated in my previous blog I am starting school this winter majoring in marketing and by Christmas time I will be driving. Setting goals for myself and acheiving them is what makes me happy! It fills my spirit up and in turn I feel fabolous. I won't tolerate bullshit and that same ex that treated me like shit back in 05 and 06 still calls me to this day...he knows he's fucked up and I'm not mad at him anymore but we could never be...going backwards is something I refuse to do. Each day is different but I refuse to go to sleep feeling sorry for myself.....I have so much to offer the world and at the end of the day I am in love with the person I am becoming...confidence is golden and no one will take away my shine....deuces lol:)

Pretty Brown Eyes

2009-09-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

They took my breath away the moment I saw them...saw him
I didn't know exactly what to say but as soon as he smiled at me they twinkled
and as sappy as this may sound my heart skipped a beat
I don't believe in love at first sight because you can't love who you don't know
but there was this instant attraction
his aura was magnetic pulling me in with each second
I didn't want to fall in but I could see myself drowning in those brown pools
never to return to the mainland of my mundane existance
Every minute around him made me sink in deeper
Quicksand couldn't have pulled me in fast enough
I have no words so I hope he can interpret my body language
and decipher the signals that I am giving him
I want him to come closer to me physically so we can grow closer mentally
and most importantly I want to find out what lies behind the windows to his soul
but until he makes that first move I will be content in this moment our moment
dedicated to the gentleman who lured me in with those pretty brown eyes

Change is good!

2009-09-12T22:14:00.001-07:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about where I am in my life now and where I want to be. In order to accomplish all of my goals I needed a push. I always thought that someone or something would push me to get to where I wanted to go. There would be some sort of sign telling me just what I needed to do in order to achieve my goals. In life we meet people that change our lives and I figured that I would meet that person that would be like a fairy godmother/godfather to me and help me live out my dreams. After a lot of thinking I realized that if that drive and motivation is not inside of me first, then it won't matter who I meet b/c they will encounter someone who is stagnant. I never want to be stagnant, ever! I want to keep moving forward and make sure that every person I meet is the icing on this wonderful cake being made that is my life instead of them becoming the cake itself. Putting too much into someone or something and losing yourself in the process is never good for the mind,body and especially soul. If I want to succeed in life the main person I need to focus on is me. With that being said I will be going back to college in the spring(yes I said that I would start this fall but I have some loan issues that need to be worked out!) and I am working on getting my license(at 23 years old I still don't have it yet smh!) and most importantly I am working on letting go and bringing positivity in my life. I tend to let my insecurities get the best of me instead of focusing on my positive attributes. I am letting it be known that I will make my mark on the world so you have read it here first!!! This song from the Dreamgirls' soundtrack represents what I am feeling at this point in my life. It's called I am changing

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

I'll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now....and with that said I'm out!

Once upon a time

2009-07-15T19:01:00.001-07:00

You never really know a person even though you hear/read so many things about people online...I wrote this poem trying to put myself in a certain someone shoes trying to relate to her situation...let me know what you think!

It was supposed to be us against the world
But you took the world's side and tarnished what we had
Tore it to pieces like the glass I smashed against the wall
When you told me that you and I are finished

Forever is a long time and you told me that's where our future lied
As soon as others came into our space
You let them shift our plans and change the situation
Now I only have two weeks...to move out that is

You swept me off of my feet
Now I'm trying to pick up the little bit of pride I have left
Before you step and crush my hopes and dreams for my life
Just like you did for the life that we created together

My kids are my only source of sanity
I refuse to let you take that away from me as well
Keep only what you came with in the beginning
Even though we created them together they came from within me

You are the reason I don't believe in fairy tales
My prince has fallen short of my expectations
This chapter in the story of my life has ended
If I could take it back I would have stopped at once upon a time

Unhappily Ever After

2009-07-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

A certain situation inspired me to write this poem....its very hard to let go and this poem shows just how much! with that being said here goes!

I thought that if I loved you hard enough things would change
No matter what happened I would be your ride or die
And even though folks would talk about us I would still stay strong
Only in the privacy of my room I would cry

Even though my gut told me you were doing wrong
I wanted to believe it was my insecurties messing with my mind
At the beginning of our journey we were in this together
But somewhere along the way you left me behind

All of these months I've been trying to play catch up
Even though you kept me in the dark
I have tried to be the glue that kept us together
Even though other forces in the world wanted to see us apart

If love were enough we would be together for a lifetime
Because our feelings for each other run that deep
I worry so much about losing you
That there's been many nights I couldn't fall asleep

For once I need to stop following my heart
It runs on pure emotion which creates doubt
Because the heart doesn't think logically
I stay stressing trying to sort things out

I am obviously alone in this fight to make this work
But I am not sure how to let you go
I've sacrificed so much that I lost myself in you
You are the only thing I know

Waiting for you to change seems unrealistic
But I can't imagine losing what's become a broken dream
Our reality has become more like a nightmare
Where everything is worse than what it seems

Once upon a time we were perfect for each other
Our life was filled with joy and laughter
But that was then and this is now
And we're living unhappily ever after

Chocolate and Caramel

2009-07-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

I wrote this awhile ago but one of my friends loved it so much so I decided to post it here to share with ya'll....lemme know what u think!

tell me if its as sweet as I think it sounds:-)

His dark brown complexion intertwining with her light brown tones blended into the sweetest most sensual experienced they have ever had. He is the world's greatest aphrodisiac smooth and delectable. Just one taste is never enough. He melts in your mouth even though he feels good in your hands because he makes your body tremble. He is better than Godiva, Nestle and Hershey all rolled into one because you can keep going back for more.Every piece of him wants to be licked and sucked and unlike the store brand he is priceless

Her syrupy sweetness has all of the men going crazy. They drop to their knees to taste her treasure. Even though it gets sticky at times the taste is worth it. You get lost drowning in her sugar.And if you give her what she wants she will give you what you crave and all it takes is just one tongue one time. You can make it at home but it won't be the same because her pleasure becomes your own. When she is pleased you know the favor will be returned all while the syrupy sweetness lingers on your tongue.

They taste great apart but putting them together is the ultimate bliss.Between all of the passion from their potion it will make the strongest person surrender. Seduction, allure intrigue and desire all wrapped into one package. He's made for her and she's made for him. The perfect mix of chocolate and caramel

Temptation freestyle

2009-07-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote this about a dude I was feeling at the time and some of our talks inspired me to write this poem! New poetry will be up sometime this week:)

I've been checkin for this dude for a while now
I love his swagger his smile his style...How?
how does he walk into a room and just take center stage...he isn't even
performing and everyone is amazed...so sexy and so fly the definition
of real...always speaks his mind and says just what he feels...
he told me he wanted me and that he would have me soon enough...he'd do me how
i liked it whether it be gentle or rough...He'd have me speakin in
tongues and going into convulsions....have my juices overflowing like a
volcano eruption...I laughed but I knew since the first time we made
eye contact I would cross that line and there would be no goin
back...no goin back to my life full of the same shit...a life full of
boring predictable mundane shit...He was full of excitement like a
rollercoaster ride....and all I could think about was him being
inside....taking me on to that place called ecstacy with our bodies
intertwined...not thinkin about the past just living in this moment in
time....wanting him to take me to higher heights...not tryna go on
airplanes but he can be my 747 all night...have an outer body
experience feeling as though I've reached nirvana..we make our own
private movie but with no comedy or drama...a solely action packed
movie with the best sound effects.... just when u think its over a
sudden twist in the plot makes you unsure of what will happen
next....he is the star and I'm his leading lady...we're shooting the
climatic scene and anyone in the outside world must think we're
crazy....a tingling sensation comes over my body and I start to feel
light headed....one hit of me and u will be addicted I didn't believe
him when he said it...bed, floor, mirror, tub, balcony all of it
becomes blurry...I'm reaching he's reachin but there's no
hurry...living in this moment is what I have always desired....and even
though I've fantasized about him I could not believe what has
transpired....I'm nearing my peak and suddenly there's only one
sound....its coming from my high but I don't wanna come down.....he
soon follows me and he pulls me close...I definitely believe him now
when he says he's doin the most... now back to real life back to the
same old routine....his sex is a drug and I'm officially a
fiend.....its always great while it lasts but afterwards I go through
withdrawals...I love the anticipation and the climax but not the
emptiness after the fall....now I'm back on solid ground no longer able
to fly....he always takes me on an amazing journey whenever he stops
by.....no ticket or passport needed but I had one hell of a
vacation....that man has got me sprung and I will always give into his
temptation!!!!!

Behind his smile

2009-07-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

I love this poem because I wrote it trying to put myself in someone else's shoes...its very hard writing about things that you are not sure about but if you can place yourself there mentally and write what you see but most importantly what vibes you feel from that person or situation it expands your creativity.....this poem is not about who you a lot of you may be thinking about...it was written in September of 2006 lol but it can apply to so many people who live in the spotlight! with that being said here it is!

when the curtain comes down
and the lights fade out
he steps out of the spotlight and looks in the mirror

and knows that few have made it this far

tears stinging his eyes because he thinks about her
he acts nonchalant for the cameras but wonders if

he hadn't made that mistake would they still be together
or was this only meant for a season and not a lifetime

the fans only know what they see
but nothing is ever what it seems
their fantasies blurred by a image he has created

the man they see at times is a facade

Privacy is very limited

its like he is in a fishbowl for all to watch

even when the show is over people still want to take a peek

they want to scrutinize, criticize and judge

he is deeper than just telling his secrets

he is more than just a ladies man

he loves like there is no tomorrow

he feels the pain just the same

he has leaches, snakes, and pironas on his back

he doesn't know where to turn or who to trust

he wears dark shades not just to look good but because

he can't trust just anyone looking in the windows to his soul

he's soft spoken but don't mistake it for weakness

he's confident but don't mistake it for arrogance

he knows what he wants and he goes after it

blood sweat and tears doesn't begin to describe his will to win

He is always looking for ways to outdo himself

he manages to go to that next level everytime

the critics are left speechless and his fans amazed

but they don't see the load on his back while climbing to the top

Some people manage to put him on this pedestal

and when he doesn't meet their expectations their world is shattered

they forget that he is a human being

and those trials and tribulations hurt him far worse

He loves what he does but no one but him knows

just how much he has had to sacrifice to be at this point

He makes it look so effortless so easy

but much more lies behind his smile

Pressure

2009-07-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Like I said in my previous post I love poetry and when the mood hits me I will just sit at my computer and write a poem in less than 10 mins lol..This poem I'm posting was written especially for someone a couple of years back but I am sure many of you can relate to this especially the fellas...its called Pressure...Enjoy!

Everyone is driving me crazy

all these motherfuckers are lazy

People keep calling and demanding so much of my time

I can't fall under pressure

I got so much on my mind that I can't even sleep

All the pain and drama in my life it runs deep

I am supposed to be on 24 hours seven days a week

but I guess I was born with all this pressure

These dudes kill themselves trying to take my style

they only see the outside they can't see all the trials

and tribulations I have gone through to make it this far

these dudes know nothing about pressure

The ladies think I'm cute and they like the way I talk

they love my voice and my smile and they like the way I walk

they treat me like I'm a superstar and I guess to them I am

but I'm not getting paid for all of this pressure

I make this look effortless I make this look good

you gotta stay positive when you've had my childhood

hell my adolescense and my adulthood

have made me built for all of the pressure

When you have seen so much in a short period of time

when people will betray you at the drop of a dime

you gotta be cautious be alert and aware

and that in itself is a lot of pressure

I have big dreams for myself they are at arm's reach

I wanna live, laugh and love and most importantly teach

When people look at my life I want them to see

All of me including the pressure

I asked for this life no one is gonna break me

if they want it all to end they will have to take me

away from this earth because that's the only option

and then they will have to take on the pressure

I will take it all if it will get me to the top

these people just don't know I can't and I won't stop

I won't sacrifice my soul or what I believe it to make it

but I will take on more pressure

My kids and their kids will know that I was the best

I always got my way I never settled for less

My legacy will live on forever and only I will know why

I know all about pressure

The beginning!

2009-07-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to do a gossip blog but there are so many out there theybf.com bossip.com concreteloop.com and my fave necolebitchie.com but I wanted to be original so I decided to blog about what's interesting to me....I love music, poetry and entertainment in general so I plan to talk about that and my life. So many think they know me but trust there is so much more to me than meets the eye...Trey's blog (seefurtherthaniam.blogspot.com) title inspired me and I understand that people that don't know you can only judge what they see but this blog will let you deeper inside of my world....I only have one question....Are you ready???