Reasons, seasons and puzzle pieces

It's been a month since I've written on here but I feel like I have wasted so much time worrying about unimportant things such as the subject in my last blog. I cut things off with him but its so hard to not be mad at myself. I am a smart woman I know when I am not getting what I deserve but I still wasted my time hoping that things would change but knowing deep inside that they wouldn't. I just wanted some attention. I wanted the comfort of another person to reassure me that I was as beautiful and special that I'm told I should feel everyday just because there is no one else like me in this world. I know that all of this has to come from within but its hard when I have never been a person that's always believed in myself and what I am capable of doing. It's taken much effort to get to this point in my life where I'm taking chances as far as following my dreams and not caring what other people think of me when I do. So for me to not care what another guy thinks especially one that I have been involved with and have to see everyday b/c he's my neighbor is damn near impossible. I know it can be done and time heals all wounds and even though this wound isn't deep it still hurts....It's more like a papercut that's annoying the hell outta me. I wish I could think and feel the way a man does. Instead of analyzing my emotions just let them be and moving on if things don't work my way. People prey on weakness and I know that if I want to be successful in life, I can't let every little thing affect the way I think, feel and act. Especially not a person who was never meant to stay in my life forever. If something doesn't feel right then it usually isn't and instead of trying to fight that feeling in order to have momentary comfort I need to embrace it and get myself out of that situation. For now I am going to focus on me and what makes me happy. Instread of chasing love I will be chasing success and following my dreams. If someone comes along that works within those plans that's great. I refuse to take steps backward in order to accomodate someone else. It's like trying to put a puzzle piece in that doesn't fit...the picture is not complete and you have just wasted your time and energy trying to make it work. I am finally going to live for me and whether I fail or succeed I know that for once my heart will be in the right place giving my all to the right person...me!

Heart vs Mind

For so long I have been trying to work on myself. I was always over critical of myself and tried to change everything from my look to my outlook on life. I have realized though that I am not always the problem. The problem is staring at me right in front of my face and instead of dealing with it and getting it out of my life I try to make excuses and figure out if I am the one that is the cause of the issue. I have been talking to this guy since December. Nothing has changed since the beginning of whatever you wanna call this situation. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because we are not committed to each other. He is content with the way things are and feels that I overreact about everything. There's no sign that things will change or improve and I don't even feel like we're friends because he isn't open with me like I have been with him. The sex is horrible on my end because he isn't willing to do certain things to make it more pleasurable and exciting for me and I'm wondering why am I even putting up with this mess? I have been trying to fix something that I haven't broken. He is the problem so why am I suffering because of it? I let my heart make decisions instead of my mind. The heart doesn't think logically. The heart wants so much to be in love and have companionship that it ignores the common sense the mind tells it and tries to make everything better. The heart gives hope that does not exist and I need to stop letting my heart and want for companionship control my mind and distract me from all that I want to do. One of my closest male friends told me that women are the ones in control. We control if we want to deal with another man. We control how fast the relationship goes and if we want to have sex.  My heart gave this guy the control and my mind has been suffering because of it. I refuse to let another day go by complaining about him and what he doesn't do for me. No ring or real commitment exists in this situation so I am free to do what I please. My mind has bigger and better things in store and I refuse to let my heart come in the way of that. One day when I meet a man that stimulates my mind and body equally then and only then will I let my heart back in the picture. Until that time comes I am going to focus on me and all of my dreams and aspirations. Life is full of twists and turns but as long as I know that I am great the way I am and that every problem that I encounter is not for me to solve I will be a stronger, more independent person. Graduating college, The Angielala Experience and getting my license (I know I should have gotten it already but nerves have gotten in the way!) are my 3 immediate goals and I won't stop even after I accomplish those goals because I have so much I want to do! I refuse to let another person distract me and make me lose my focus. I am ready for all the good and the bad that will come my way while I rise to the top. My mind will lead the way and maybe one day  my heart will be ready for another journey of its own! 

Try again

I had a convo with my ex who is finally ready to settle down and be in a relationship(or so he says) I don't know whether to believe him b/c it just may be a way to reel me back in...I figured time will tell if he's sincere but I also had to reflect on our past b4 I even consider going there with him again...and this is what inspired my poem called "Try Again"


We both cried when I had to end whatever it was we had
You cried b/c you didn't want me to leave I cried b/c I knew I had to
I had to leave you in order to grow and become stronger mentally
Your love had me hypnotized and bound to the point where my soul was suffocating


You never hit me but every time we got into it I felt like I had been sucker punched
You always told me you loved me but your actions never showed it
I never asked you for anything but you wanted me to give you the world
No matter how hard I tried I came up short of your expectations


I was too dependent on others but yet I let you roam free
I was too weak but for a long time I had the strength to put up with your infidelities
I was too insecure about the way I looked but I made you feel like a superstar
What I was I have never been ever since I lost you and found myself


I let Keyshia and Brandy express my misery until I cried myself to sleep
I wanted to write love songs but at times the pain was too much to bear
I would start but could not finish when the tears would blur my vision 
the ink would run off the paper and destroy everything that came from deep inside


Finally I reached my breaking point and decided that I was done
I could no longer be a mental punching bag that you take your daily frustrations out on
You took me for granted but I know that karma is a bitch
And she came back around and hurt you more than I ever could


You've reached a point in your life where you are finally able to handle all I have to offer
but unlike before I refuse to give my heart away so easily
The tables have turned and now I run the show
You can try again but know that with or without you I will be alright

Love Songs

I was listening to my itouch and I'm hearing men like Brian McKnight and Usher sing love songs and I'm thinking to myself why is it that the only men that are in touch with their  emotional side are R&B singers and they are mainly singing love songs for profit esp since they can be the biggest whores out there but we still fall in love with the mushy stuff they sing about! That's what inspired this poem called Love Songs lemme know what u think!


Dreamlover why can't you sing me to sleep at night?
Hold me tight and call me your baby?
Even if I was taken you wouldn't give up
Tyrese didn't for his "Sweet Lady"


Tell me that I'm your cherie amor your one and only
Even Stevie saw true love when it was laid before his eyes
I am tired of the heartbreak and betrayal
I am sick of the deception and lies


Trey Songz didn't wanna leave his girl 
but the time came that he had to go
At least he told her he would be back
When you leave dreamlover I never know


You disappeared and left me wondering
 Now our love is hanging on a ledge
What happened to the promise you made you didn't say goodbye
The pain in my heart hurts more than a knife with a Jagged Edge


This is time for my last cry I wanna leave it all behind me
I wonder if Brian McKnight ever felt pain like this
Usher talked about letting it Burn even if its bruises
but in your absence all I can do is reminisce


Everyone tells me that my soulmate is out there somewhere
but I think that they have it all wrong
My dreamlover is out there but sadly
he only exists in love songs

Secrets

This poem was inspired by someone that I really like but I feel that there is so much more about him that I don't know and it drives me crazy...I call this one Secrets

The mystery that surrounds him keeps me intrigued

His secrets are locked away deep inside

I know there is so much that he wants to say

but he'd rather keep it to himself than tell lies

I want to find out more about this man

what his passions are and what makes him come to life

His pain is etched into his eyes when he finally speaks

I wish he would talk about the struggles and the strife

I would like for him to tell me his dreams and aspirations

and know that anything shared between us is confidential

For us to grow together and become closer

these things are not just wanted they are essential

Patience is a virtue that I wish I possess

but I will have to find some type of endurance when dealing with this situation

I feel comfortable enough around him to tell him my soul

but when its his turn to talk he remains in deep contemplation

I am not sure where this relationship will lead

but I know he will have to be ready to unlock his heart and throw away the key

Someone has to find it sooner or later

and I hope that person is me

Awake and aware!

It's 6:40am and I am wide awake! Anyone that knows me knows that I am definitely not a morning person but for some reason I am up and in a good mood! I went to sleep early yesterday because I was in a bad mood. Things weren't going my way and it seemed like I was on the defensive all day and I hate feeling that I have to explain myself and my actions. I was irritated and moody so I decided to go to bed early and I woke up an hour ago feeling great!!! I have had time to think about things and I've realized that all of my life I have been a people pleaser. I was never the person that had beef with others b/c I was seen as a sweetheart. I accepted that but when people, men in particular, felt that they could say or do anything and get away with it I decided that I needed to change. First it started with me being honest with myself and others. Then it escalated into doing what I wanted to do instead of worrying about what others think now its to the point where I can't doubt myself or my actions after all is said and done. Not everyone will agree with you and your decisions but as long as you follow your heart then there is no point in having any regrets. Everything happens for a reason and all of the choices I've made have brought me this far and I refuse to turn back...I guess a good night's sleep does a body(and mind)right!

Advice hour!

If ya missed it here ya go! Tune in tonight at 9pm for this week's show "Tips and Techniques for great sex!"