I was listening to Beanie Siegel's record towards Jay-Z when I heard him say something that hit me hard he said "I understand, everybody can’t go and you already on…" I have been trying so hard to keep the same group of friends that I grew up with but I am starting to understand that not everyone can go with you when you are trying to go places in your life. Those same friends that were the ones that kept me going have become the ones that are holding me back. Whether it be their negative attitudes towards my hopes and dreams or just drama in their own lives they have become extra baggage instead of helping me carry the burdens on my shoulders. That one line inspired me to create this poem titled "The Ride"
I was told not to follow my dreams but to chase them
so I am running until I lose all of my breath
Nothing or no one can stop me
I was born to do this so I will continue until death
The same ones that were there since the beginning are still hanging on
but we no longer travel at the same speed
They have become a heavy weight that I drag along with me on this journey
and have set me back which is something that I don't need
I love them so much that I tried to make them understand my passion
and why I choose to deal with some of life's pain
they look at me confused because they think I should take the easy way out
and deep down inside they think I'm insane
They tell me that I could have had the easy life
instead of taking risks and chances that are not seen as wise
if I would just think logically and played it safe
I would have already earned the ultimate prize
I have always thought outside of the box
never lived my life based on other's expectations
So if I have to fail before I succeed
I will gladly go through all of the trials and tribulations
So many feel that I have made the wrong choices
and as much as this is going to hurt inside
I have to let you and all of your negativity go
Not everyone can come along for the ride
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
To forgive and forget...easier said than done!
I am a very forgiving person....too forgiving at times but I feel that you can't be mad at someone forever especially if its over something so petty so if I am angry at someone for a long period of time and I won't let the shit go then its serious. This guy I used to be real cool with when I was younger played me and disrespected me and when I confronted him about it he had no remorse. He looked down upon me and what hurt the most is that he knew me when I was at a low point in my life and was someone who would always be so encouraging and positive. When his attitude towards me did a complete 180 it surprised me at first then angered me. Then I realized why I was so mad. He had changed but for the most part I didn't.I still fed into the insecurities that haunted me when we were younger and I let his opinion about me and my life influence my feelings and behavior towards different situations. It made me so mad because I was always so supportive of him and proud of his accomplishments but when I found out how he flipped on me I wanted him to fail more than anything. His failure wouldn't help me succeed but I wanted him to feel the way I felt. I let him get under my skin and make me bitter and that was the worst thing I could have done. I often wondered about running into him at different places and how I would react towards him.I saw him from a distance recently and tried to avoid confrontation b/c I knew if we spoke I would be mad at myself afterwards for pretending to be nice when in reality I wanted to wring his neck lmao. This situation has been weighing heavily on my mind and I realized that being mad at him is not hurting him especially since he's living life(living it up real nice I might add) and I am still in the same place mentally and physically that I was in b4 any of this drama happened. I need to live my life and be successful in my own right. I feel that you have to have send out positive vibes in the atmosphere for positive things to happen in return. Being mad at him makes me mad at myself and I can't live my life being a bitter person. I forgive him and wish him the best. God has a plan for me that no one can destroy and I know that my success will come in due time. Until then I'm gonna keep pushing...pushing all of the obstacles and negativity out of my way so my vision becomes clearer and within my reach!!!! Much love!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Relationships 101...let class begin!!!
Most of my friends are single ladies like myself...some of them have children some don't but no matter what the situation is we are all looking for the same thing. A giving, loving, honest and most importantly straight(lol) man that will not complete us because we are strong self sufficient women without them but be the extra cherry on top of our lives. We tend to stress in relationships and doubt our choices so much that men like Steve Harvey come out with books in order to help us figure out the male species(his book was amazing by the way a definite must read) As much as I loved "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" his book was just common sense wrapped up in 300+ pages....Most women know what they want and what they deserve but we settle because we don't want to be alone, we feel that this is as good as its going to get or we ignore warning signs b/c we are so into the idea of being in love that we try to not sweat what seems like small stuff only to find it blow up in our faces later on in the relationship. Most of us have had our hearts broken and been through it mentally (and some of us physically) but still haven't given up on the love of our lives...I know he's out there! I am all for not giving up and trying to make things work but I wish some of us knew just when to throw in the towel. 3 situations come to my mind that made me question these ladies behavior and made me realize just how much love you have to have for yourself before you can share love with anyone else.
This first girl I will call her "Denial"...She met this guy and at first she thought he was prince charming everything she asked for..as the relationship progressed the fairy tale ending that she dreamed up seemed so far away. He was acting shady but she kept on giving chances ignoring the warning signs flashing right in front of her face. She told herself that she was being insecure and that since she was so honest and forthcoming with him that he would be the same with her...dead wrong! She learned that honesty is not always reciprocated and to ignore what's staring at you right in your face is the ultimate deception...lying to yourself also known as being in denial!
This second girl I will call her "Fighter"....she fell in love with someone who is considered a ladies man. He gave her the world and then some but as much as he loved her he couldn't be faithful. She knew his love for her ran deep and she loved him more than anything. She was there when he had nothing and would continue to be there no matter what. I believe she felt that this was enough to make the relationship work. She told herself this but doubts still ran in her mind so she did the snooping, questioning etc only to find answers she knew all along. She knew that she should end it but this man was the love of her life no one ever made her feel this way. Eventually he broke up with her and she was miserable for a long time. I would think to myself why did she put up with that shit for so long!!! I don't care how amazing a guy seems if he's cheating over and over on me he doesn't really love me... not true you can love someone with all of your heart and know that they are the one but if both people not 100% committed in a relationship mind, body, and soul then its doomed for failure... she was definitely a fighter but I believe she was in the fight alone.
I will call this last girl "Settling". She has always been into the rough and rugged type because that was the only type of man that could keep her interest. Whether he be a drug dealer or regular hustler she was captivated and intrigued because money and attention were never absent from the relationship. She needed someone who seemed as strong as she was especially since she had to fend for her and her child. She met a guy who fit these qualities but he also had a temper and was abusive. She never compared her life to the tragic lifetime stories but her life was taking a turn for the worse. She stayed with him because he was what she was used to and never thought she could do any better....she's coming around slowly but surely and I don't think she's content with settling anymore!
These 3 women situations always stick in my mind b/c all three of them are beautiful, hard working and intelligent. Why did they have to lose themselves in fear of being alone? They thought this would bring them happiness but in turn it just brought more pain and frustration. I learned so much from them and I thank them for sharing their stories with me. They taught me so much about myself and inspired me to write this. Ladies(and gentlemen!!!) I would love for you to share your relationship stories with me so email me at angelicmelody86@gmail.com and I may choose to write about it in a future blog....love ya'll muah!
This first girl I will call her "Denial"...She met this guy and at first she thought he was prince charming everything she asked for..as the relationship progressed the fairy tale ending that she dreamed up seemed so far away. He was acting shady but she kept on giving chances ignoring the warning signs flashing right in front of her face. She told herself that she was being insecure and that since she was so honest and forthcoming with him that he would be the same with her...dead wrong! She learned that honesty is not always reciprocated and to ignore what's staring at you right in your face is the ultimate deception...lying to yourself also known as being in denial!
This second girl I will call her "Fighter"....she fell in love with someone who is considered a ladies man. He gave her the world and then some but as much as he loved her he couldn't be faithful. She knew his love for her ran deep and she loved him more than anything. She was there when he had nothing and would continue to be there no matter what. I believe she felt that this was enough to make the relationship work. She told herself this but doubts still ran in her mind so she did the snooping, questioning etc only to find answers she knew all along. She knew that she should end it but this man was the love of her life no one ever made her feel this way. Eventually he broke up with her and she was miserable for a long time. I would think to myself why did she put up with that shit for so long!!! I don't care how amazing a guy seems if he's cheating over and over on me he doesn't really love me... not true you can love someone with all of your heart and know that they are the one but if both people not 100% committed in a relationship mind, body, and soul then its doomed for failure... she was definitely a fighter but I believe she was in the fight alone.
I will call this last girl "Settling". She has always been into the rough and rugged type because that was the only type of man that could keep her interest. Whether he be a drug dealer or regular hustler she was captivated and intrigued because money and attention were never absent from the relationship. She needed someone who seemed as strong as she was especially since she had to fend for her and her child. She met a guy who fit these qualities but he also had a temper and was abusive. She never compared her life to the tragic lifetime stories but her life was taking a turn for the worse. She stayed with him because he was what she was used to and never thought she could do any better....she's coming around slowly but surely and I don't think she's content with settling anymore!
These 3 women situations always stick in my mind b/c all three of them are beautiful, hard working and intelligent. Why did they have to lose themselves in fear of being alone? They thought this would bring them happiness but in turn it just brought more pain and frustration. I learned so much from them and I thank them for sharing their stories with me. They taught me so much about myself and inspired me to write this. Ladies(and gentlemen!!!) I would love for you to share your relationship stories with me so email me at angelicmelody86@gmail.com and I may choose to write about it in a future blog....love ya'll muah!
Reality...Really???
I decided to take a different approach to this post and ask my twitter followers what they wanted me to blog about...most of them said relationship issues which I will talk about in the next blog but my girl @DivaTN said I should talk about reality tv and how its really not anybody's reality. I agree and in fact I feel that a lot of shows on tv today especially shows on BET and VH1 are degrading to black women. I see all of these women whoring themselves for 15 mins of fame. If you wanted to be take seriously as an actress or model reality tv shouldn't be the go to place to get your start. Before these shows people did things the old fashioned way. They went to casting calls and sent their pictures out to different agencies. Even auditioning for music videos is more respectable than going on shows like For the love of Ray J, Real Chance of Love and the worst of them all Flavor of love(unless you are the Superhead type) The thing that makes me really mad is that all these shows have the word love in them like love is some type of game where if you go through enough women kissing and having "intimate" relationships with them you will find someone that can be your soulmate. These shows are shot in a matter of 6-8 weeks and a camera is around at least 12-16 hours a day so how can anyone really find love without the time and privacy it takes for real relationships to develop and grow. I feel that the ladies in the show that feed into the madness(fights, competitions,snitching on others) for publicity or get so caught up in what they are told by different people on what love is that when REALITY hits them it hits hard and hurts. Not everyone can turn their turmoil into fame like New York has so where does this leave these ladies???They are alone and many times have to hustle to keep the little amount of fame that they have. It's a sad and vicious cycle that only continues b/c people like you and I tune in every week to watch the train wreck unfold....if anyone believes for a second that this is real then he/she needs a reality check and they can start by turning off the tv!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
falling in love....with myself!
I decided to write about this topic because its something I've had to fight with my whole life. It took me a while to get to where I am today and to feel the way I do about myself but it was and still is a process believe me! To understand why I am the way I am today you have to know the history of my love/hate relationship...with myself lol! Here goes!
When I was really young like from 3-6 years old I was the cute, shy little girl with the long hair and big eyes. Didn't care about my looks back then just knew that I liked to wear the same skirt all the time no matter how much my mom tried to take it away from me and I liked to watch cartoons and saved by the bell!When I went to 2nd grade however everything changed....out of nowhere my cute little teeth fell out and 2 HUGE teeth came in their place. They stuck out and made a gap and I hated them so I would never smile with my mouth open. 3rd grade didn't help b/c it was then that I found out that I was nearsighted and needed glasses....I finally got braces in 6th grade but by then I already despised what I saw in the mirror. My mom and dad would always tell me how beautiful I was but they are my parents they are supposed to say that! That's what I always told myself! By the time I was in high school my self esteem was fucked up...I had friends but never felt like I fit in...my only escape from everything was music. I loved 90's rnb music especially Brandy, Monica, Aaliyah and Mya! They were so pretty and flawless and I wanted to be Moesha so badly especially when she had Usher as her bf on the show! If you knew me back then you knew me as the "Usher Lover" lol he was my dream guy...All of the dudes I had crushes on were disappointments. I never had a boyfriend or went out on any dates with any guys b/c I never put myself out there like that. I was still shy and quiet and was seen as a bookworm type. They either made me feel like shit or didn't even notice me so Usher was the one guy that seemed so perfect! Even him cheating on Chilli couldn't make me change my mind about him he was just that great lol...that was my "title" in school and although I don't regret it I wish people knew that there was more to me than just him outside of my close friends. After I graduated high school I wanted to get away from the small town I grew up in and move to a totally different place. I fell in love with Atlanta and at that time (2004) Atl seemed like the place to be! Clark Atlanta University was gonna be the school that would finally grant me my new beginning and I would find love and happiness once I arrived but things didn't go quite as planned! I went for a semester came back home and went back a year later. It was then in September 2005 that I met my ex (not on campus but at a walmart outside of atl lol) and he changed the way I looked at dudes and relationships forever. He was my first everything: the first guy I fell in love with the first guy to break my heart and at 19 my big "first" because I lost my virginity to him. He was everything that I always asked God for. Good looking, single no kids and had a good job(he was 23 when we met and had graduated college already) and I thought to myself this can't be. Why would he be attracted to a girl like me?(I still had the braces but exchanged the glasses for contacts) even though I was in a different space physically, I still carried all of the insecurities and doubts about myself that plagued me all throughout middle school and high school. I felt lucky to be with him so I put up with his temper and verbal abuse. I had a feeling he was cheating but couldn't prove it and didn't want to lose him so I pushed it to the back of my mind. He ended up breaking up with me on Christmas night at that and I learned the true meaning of "lovesick". I felt like I was gonna die b/c I was so depressed and lonely. We ended up getting back together but things only got worse. I wouldn't see him for days or weeks at a time and he would come and show up out the blue like everything was okay. I put up with so much but when something tragic happened to me the day b4 my 20th birthday and he wasn't there for me I knew then that I had to leave...I left him and Atlanta in June of 2006 and headed back home....I felt like a different person more open and confident but I still had my doubts. 2007 rolls around and I finally get rid of the braces...I still have a slight overbite but no gap and my teeth are straight:D Ill get invisalign in the future but for now im good lol....I started making new friends and going out to clubs and parties more especially to see Trey Songz lmao....having fun living it up but nothing is ever what it seems. I would see Trey living out his dream showing love to his fans and doing what he was born to do and it made me say to myself "Why am I not doing what I love?" I love entertainment! Gossip music movies all of that and I am always up to date with what's going on! I went from reading Us Weekly and Star magazine every week to reading concreteloop,ybf and necole bitchie everyday! I have great ideas hell Trey even liked my video concept and used it for the video to his single "Last Time"All my friends have said that I need to get back in school so I can look into some internships for different record labels and tv production companies. All of these people have seen my talent so what's stopping me? That's easy I am the one that's standing in my own way. All of those doubts and insecurities came back. Maybe if I change my look up that will make me feel better...different hair style different clothes??? Then I realized that its the man(or in my case the woman) that makes the clothes not vice versa....I am finding physical flaws when in reality I have to work on the inside before I love whats on the outside...I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I am my own worst critic but everyday I'm getting better. As I stated in my previous blog I am starting school this winter majoring in marketing and by Christmas time I will be driving. Setting goals for myself and acheiving them is what makes me happy! It fills my spirit up and in turn I feel fabolous. I won't tolerate bullshit and that same ex that treated me like shit back in 05 and 06 still calls me to this day...he knows he's fucked up and I'm not mad at him anymore but we could never be...going backwards is something I refuse to do. Each day is different but I refuse to go to sleep feeling sorry for myself.....I have so much to offer the world and at the end of the day I am in love with the person I am becoming...confidence is golden and no one will take away my shine....deuces lol:)
When I was really young like from 3-6 years old I was the cute, shy little girl with the long hair and big eyes. Didn't care about my looks back then just knew that I liked to wear the same skirt all the time no matter how much my mom tried to take it away from me and I liked to watch cartoons and saved by the bell!When I went to 2nd grade however everything changed....out of nowhere my cute little teeth fell out and 2 HUGE teeth came in their place. They stuck out and made a gap and I hated them so I would never smile with my mouth open. 3rd grade didn't help b/c it was then that I found out that I was nearsighted and needed glasses....I finally got braces in 6th grade but by then I already despised what I saw in the mirror. My mom and dad would always tell me how beautiful I was but they are my parents they are supposed to say that! That's what I always told myself! By the time I was in high school my self esteem was fucked up...I had friends but never felt like I fit in...my only escape from everything was music. I loved 90's rnb music especially Brandy, Monica, Aaliyah and Mya! They were so pretty and flawless and I wanted to be Moesha so badly especially when she had Usher as her bf on the show! If you knew me back then you knew me as the "Usher Lover" lol he was my dream guy...All of the dudes I had crushes on were disappointments. I never had a boyfriend or went out on any dates with any guys b/c I never put myself out there like that. I was still shy and quiet and was seen as a bookworm type. They either made me feel like shit or didn't even notice me so Usher was the one guy that seemed so perfect! Even him cheating on Chilli couldn't make me change my mind about him he was just that great lol...that was my "title" in school and although I don't regret it I wish people knew that there was more to me than just him outside of my close friends. After I graduated high school I wanted to get away from the small town I grew up in and move to a totally different place. I fell in love with Atlanta and at that time (2004) Atl seemed like the place to be! Clark Atlanta University was gonna be the school that would finally grant me my new beginning and I would find love and happiness once I arrived but things didn't go quite as planned! I went for a semester came back home and went back a year later. It was then in September 2005 that I met my ex (not on campus but at a walmart outside of atl lol) and he changed the way I looked at dudes and relationships forever. He was my first everything: the first guy I fell in love with the first guy to break my heart and at 19 my big "first" because I lost my virginity to him. He was everything that I always asked God for. Good looking, single no kids and had a good job(he was 23 when we met and had graduated college already) and I thought to myself this can't be. Why would he be attracted to a girl like me?(I still had the braces but exchanged the glasses for contacts) even though I was in a different space physically, I still carried all of the insecurities and doubts about myself that plagued me all throughout middle school and high school. I felt lucky to be with him so I put up with his temper and verbal abuse. I had a feeling he was cheating but couldn't prove it and didn't want to lose him so I pushed it to the back of my mind. He ended up breaking up with me on Christmas night at that and I learned the true meaning of "lovesick". I felt like I was gonna die b/c I was so depressed and lonely. We ended up getting back together but things only got worse. I wouldn't see him for days or weeks at a time and he would come and show up out the blue like everything was okay. I put up with so much but when something tragic happened to me the day b4 my 20th birthday and he wasn't there for me I knew then that I had to leave...I left him and Atlanta in June of 2006 and headed back home....I felt like a different person more open and confident but I still had my doubts. 2007 rolls around and I finally get rid of the braces...I still have a slight overbite but no gap and my teeth are straight:D Ill get invisalign in the future but for now im good lol....I started making new friends and going out to clubs and parties more especially to see Trey Songz lmao....having fun living it up but nothing is ever what it seems. I would see Trey living out his dream showing love to his fans and doing what he was born to do and it made me say to myself "Why am I not doing what I love?" I love entertainment! Gossip music movies all of that and I am always up to date with what's going on! I went from reading Us Weekly and Star magazine every week to reading concreteloop,ybf and necole bitchie everyday! I have great ideas hell Trey even liked my video concept and used it for the video to his single "Last Time"All my friends have said that I need to get back in school so I can look into some internships for different record labels and tv production companies. All of these people have seen my talent so what's stopping me? That's easy I am the one that's standing in my own way. All of those doubts and insecurities came back. Maybe if I change my look up that will make me feel better...different hair style different clothes??? Then I realized that its the man(or in my case the woman) that makes the clothes not vice versa....I am finding physical flaws when in reality I have to work on the inside before I love whats on the outside...I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I am my own worst critic but everyday I'm getting better. As I stated in my previous blog I am starting school this winter majoring in marketing and by Christmas time I will be driving. Setting goals for myself and acheiving them is what makes me happy! It fills my spirit up and in turn I feel fabolous. I won't tolerate bullshit and that same ex that treated me like shit back in 05 and 06 still calls me to this day...he knows he's fucked up and I'm not mad at him anymore but we could never be...going backwards is something I refuse to do. Each day is different but I refuse to go to sleep feeling sorry for myself.....I have so much to offer the world and at the end of the day I am in love with the person I am becoming...confidence is golden and no one will take away my shine....deuces lol:)
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