I decided to write about this topic because its something I've had to fight with my whole life. It took me a while to get to where I am today and to feel the way I do about myself but it was and still is a process believe me! To understand why I am the way I am today you have to know the history of my love/hate relationship...with myself lol! Here goes!
When I was really young like from 3-6 years old I was the cute, shy little girl with the long hair and big eyes. Didn't care about my looks back then just knew that I liked to wear the same skirt all the time no matter how much my mom tried to take it away from me and I liked to watch cartoons and saved by the bell!When I went to 2nd grade however everything changed....out of nowhere my cute little teeth fell out and 2 HUGE teeth came in their place. They stuck out and made a gap and I hated them so I would never smile with my mouth open. 3rd grade didn't help b/c it was then that I found out that I was nearsighted and needed glasses....I finally got braces in 6th grade but by then I already despised what I saw in the mirror. My mom and dad would always tell me how beautiful I was but they are my parents they are supposed to say that! That's what I always told myself! By the time I was in high school my self esteem was fucked up...I had friends but never felt like I fit in...my only escape from everything was music. I loved 90's rnb music especially Brandy, Monica, Aaliyah and Mya! They were so pretty and flawless and I wanted to be Moesha so badly especially when she had Usher as her bf on the show! If you knew me back then you knew me as the "Usher Lover" lol he was my dream guy...All of the dudes I had crushes on were disappointments. I never had a boyfriend or went out on any dates with any guys b/c I never put myself out there like that. I was still shy and quiet and was seen as a bookworm type. They either made me feel like shit or didn't even notice me so Usher was the one guy that seemed so perfect! Even him cheating on Chilli couldn't make me change my mind about him he was just that great lol...that was my "title" in school and although I don't regret it I wish people knew that there was more to me than just him outside of my close friends. After I graduated high school I wanted to get away from the small town I grew up in and move to a totally different place. I fell in love with Atlanta and at that time (2004) Atl seemed like the place to be! Clark Atlanta University was gonna be the school that would finally grant me my new beginning and I would find love and happiness once I arrived but things didn't go quite as planned! I went for a semester came back home and went back a year later. It was then in September 2005 that I met my ex (not on campus but at a walmart outside of atl lol) and he changed the way I looked at dudes and relationships forever. He was my first everything: the first guy I fell in love with the first guy to break my heart and at 19 my big "first" because I lost my virginity to him. He was everything that I always asked God for. Good looking, single no kids and had a good job(he was 23 when we met and had graduated college already) and I thought to myself this can't be. Why would he be attracted to a girl like me?(I still had the braces but exchanged the glasses for contacts) even though I was in a different space physically, I still carried all of the insecurities and doubts about myself that plagued me all throughout middle school and high school. I felt lucky to be with him so I put up with his temper and verbal abuse. I had a feeling he was cheating but couldn't prove it and didn't want to lose him so I pushed it to the back of my mind. He ended up breaking up with me on Christmas night at that and I learned the true meaning of "lovesick". I felt like I was gonna die b/c I was so depressed and lonely. We ended up getting back together but things only got worse. I wouldn't see him for days or weeks at a time and he would come and show up out the blue like everything was okay. I put up with so much but when something tragic happened to me the day b4 my 20th birthday and he wasn't there for me I knew then that I had to leave...I left him and Atlanta in June of 2006 and headed back home....I felt like a different person more open and confident but I still had my doubts. 2007 rolls around and I finally get rid of the braces...I still have a slight overbite but no gap and my teeth are straight:D Ill get invisalign in the future but for now im good lol....I started making new friends and going out to clubs and parties more especially to see Trey Songz lmao....having fun living it up but nothing is ever what it seems. I would see Trey living out his dream showing love to his fans and doing what he was born to do and it made me say to myself "Why am I not doing what I love?" I love entertainment! Gossip music movies all of that and I am always up to date with what's going on! I went from reading Us Weekly and Star magazine every week to reading concreteloop,ybf and necole bitchie everyday! I have great ideas hell Trey even liked my video concept and used it for the video to his single "Last Time"All my friends have said that I need to get back in school so I can look into some internships for different record labels and tv production companies. All of these people have seen my talent so what's stopping me? That's easy I am the one that's standing in my own way. All of those doubts and insecurities came back. Maybe if I change my look up that will make me feel better...different hair style different clothes??? Then I realized that its the man(or in my case the woman) that makes the clothes not vice versa....I am finding physical flaws when in reality I have to work on the inside before I love whats on the outside...I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I am my own worst critic but everyday I'm getting better. As I stated in my previous blog I am starting school this winter majoring in marketing and by Christmas time I will be driving. Setting goals for myself and acheiving them is what makes me happy! It fills my spirit up and in turn I feel fabolous. I won't tolerate bullshit and that same ex that treated me like shit back in 05 and 06 still calls me to this day...he knows he's fucked up and I'm not mad at him anymore but we could never be...going backwards is something I refuse to do. Each day is different but I refuse to go to sleep feeling sorry for myself.....I have so much to offer the world and at the end of the day I am in love with the person I am becoming...confidence is golden and no one will take away my shine....deuces lol:)
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There is nothing greater then falling in love with yourself!
ReplyDeleteI can really feel you on this one because I too am learning to love me for who I am!
Very inspirational Ms. Angie! =)
OMG Angie I have always thought u were Beautiful inside and out and I am glad u are starting to believe that urself. Like I keep saying KEEP PUSHING FORWARD and u will be there soon (sooner than u think) Ya girl got much Faith in u and I am happy to know that u are falling in love with yourself. U know sometimes u inspire me, and I have told u this before but this will truly inspire alot of people that have felt the same way. I see your star shining already girl!
ReplyDeleteMuah
motivational. u know you got it, im glad youre believing more in yourself! although i never met her, i love the angie with the buck teeth and glasses! you know why? because she then is who made my bff today! love ya!
ReplyDeleteangie honestly i can soooooo relate to ur blog especially this post right here. man it almost brought me to tears reading it because i can relate to what u was saying. i was like omg is this girl in my head why she have the same thoughts as me lol. but girl i didnt know u back then but i knwo u now and i knwo ur not that girl before and i see big things for u and u just gotta push urself dont give up go for ur goals shit i need to take my own advice. but i understand what u as talkin about all through this loved it. glad u was able to share this with us see im learning more about u everyday well maybe not everyday but im learning alot about u thankies for writing this girl like lyric said it was very inspirational!
ReplyDeleteAng i feel you on this more than anything else .I been telling you, you gonna get you a star somewhere. Have people see you for far more things. Just not Visa from TSMB or the Usher Lover. lol.
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ReplyDeleteAngie, u hit the nail on the head with this poem because so, many of us feel like that about ourself.in order 4 us 2 love somebody we got 2 love ourself first,keep loving your self and living your life!! Dont let anyone stand in your way keep climing those stairs 2 the top and u will b able 2 grab your STAR!! even tho i dont know u that well i wish u the best in what every u do!! KEEP GOD FIRST and stay strong and u will always b Blessed everyday!!! sorry it's long
ReplyDeleteYou have great potential guh and i'm glad that you realized it. So happy that you've made the decision to let nothing or no one stand in the way of you accomplishing your idea and definition of success! Love Ya :)
ReplyDeleteAngie, this is so motivating. Many people are so afraid to dig in their past and point out the insecurities and imperfections that currently serve as stepping stones to make those aspirations more secure and perfect today. That really took a lotta courage. And I'm so bonded with u right now cuz I see myself, in a sense. U really hit home. I'm really proud of ur courage. Wow. I usually dont read people's blog entries cuz iNever have time lol but I'm so glad I read urs entirely. It was like a breath of fresh air. For the record, you are a beautiful girl and I KNOW you have what it takes to capture the utmost triumph in any and everything you tackle. So use those painful past experiences to your expedience and get that gold...in the face of your ex, in the face of negativity, in the face of society's "perfect world." Rise above & get that thing...I can point it out even in your text that there's something special within you. Drive Angie.
ReplyDelete~Ike
Omg ang!! We are alike in so many ways!! I swear I felt the same when I was growing up. Then in highschool I had choosey friends. Its stil takin me a min to find myself and I understand the feel of insecure. DAMN ANG REALLY TOUCHING AND I CRIED WHILE READING THIS. Funny how u connect wit someone in the same situation as u but live so far away. Lol keep ya head up girlie. Things will happen for u and I'm tryna do the same. Love ya :)
ReplyDeleteangie thank you so much for posting this cause i can relate to you 100 percent. i used to think i was ugly too and my self esteem was kinda low but everyday i am learning to love myself more and love the prson i see when i look in the mirror. it does get tough at times especially when it comes to my body because i never liked it but as i've been losing weight i've come to like my body more. as far as u following ur dreams and reaching ur goals i am so happy for u and like u said u do have lot to offer this world so go get em.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Angie, you're like an extension of me. I can really relate to your issues w/ your physical appearance when you were growing up. I'm still stuck dealing with those issues right now. But I'm getting better as time goes by. I feel you 100% on being your own worst critic and being the very barrier keeping you from success. That's my problem now. I get on myself so hard to the point that I don't feel as if I'm capable to do what I would love to do, which you know is also in the Arts field. But everything is a process in which you shall grow from. Go forward, never backwards.
ReplyDeleteANGIE!!!! This was very touching and as u can see, u are definitely not the only one who feels this way. This vehicle of release is so good because it helps other women see that they are not alone. Remember we always used to talk and I would be encouraging you and what did u say? "i have to work on my look!" lol...if u know the indusrty like I know it, then we both know that NO ONE has a look going in! lol. But I have the same issues...I have all this education and experience but Im soo scared to do it alone. We both need to encourage each other and go for our dreams. We only have one life! Its up to us to choose what to do with it! Love ya chick!!!
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ReplyDeleteAww great blog. Like others I so relate. I think we all have had bouts with insecurity but I def grew up being the shy girl with big eyes who loved entertainment and wanted to be Moesha haha (but not for Jeremy , lol). You seem to wear your confidence well being open if even online and attending parties and events that the old shy you might've felt somewhat fearful of.
ReplyDeleteSis! i love the fact that you took time to write out this blog, i may not know exactly where your coming from but i feel as if i can understand somewhat because i can personally say that i been through a hell of alot but i've learned to overcome it..i really did enjoy reading this & i think that you have what it takes to inspire others big sis & thats comin from my heart :-) keep doing what you do best!
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